Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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