On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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