Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
