ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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