five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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