I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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