Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Couch. On fire.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
