This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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