My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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