Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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