He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize