o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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