there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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