The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
