Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
