if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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