i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
