kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
