It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
