You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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