I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
