unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
