Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
