I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize