Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
