i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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