I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
