guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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