Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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