I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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