I feel great
I just peed on a car
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize