I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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