I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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