thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
