Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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