just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
