Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
