Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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