You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
