i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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