it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
