I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
