I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
we're making bets on your personal life
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize