My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
