I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
