I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
