his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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