the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
