sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
