phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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