I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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