He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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