Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
