I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
