U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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