Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
