Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
