two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm bleeding and have questions
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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