This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
