oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
