Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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