Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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