We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
