I could make wine with my vomit
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
