So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize