I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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