she was so not down for the gang bang
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My dick has a subreddit
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize