He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
