Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
