Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
